A cartoon image of a rapper wearing skinny jeans by Oddball Times

If someone asks you when the best Blues music was made, you’ll probably say the 1950s. The best Rock And Roll music? The 1960s. The best Heavy Metal music? The 1970s of course. If someone asks you when the best Electronic Dance Music was made, you’ll definitely say the late 1980s and early 1990s. The best Hip-Hop was also produced in the 1990s.

So why were these particular periods of history the greatest era for each musical genre? Was it because of the generation that created the music? Was it because of the advancement of technology? Was it political turmoil or other societal factors? No, the truth is that it was all down to loose trousers!

Recent scientific studies have shown that musical ability is channelled through the human body from the surrounding environment. Loose-fitting trousers are the best medium to conduct and transmit this etherial artistic energy through the body directly into the musician’s chosen instrument. Air circulation around the legs and genitals therefore aids in the creation of both melodies and lyrics. Simply put, the looser the garment, the better the music.

If you look back at music history, this baggy trouser phenomenon has been consistently responsible for the creation of classic pieces of music. Sure, trousers got a bit tighter in the 1970s but there was always the bell bottom to let a bit of creativity in and out, hence the creation of Psychedelic and Glam Rock during that period. The best Rave, House, Jungle, Drum ‘N’ Bass, Garage, Grime, and Hip-Hop was also produced during a time of baggy trousers, baggy jeans to be exact. In the 1990s and early 2000s there were no skinny jeans to be seen anywhere on the scene!

When tight trousers make their way into any musical genre, all credibility is lost, both physically and artistically. The worst culprit are the leggings, once they were introduced to Rock music in the 1980s, “Hair Metal” was created and Rock took a turn for the worse. Only Grunge brought Rock music back from the doldrums and that was largely due to the large pants the individual groups wore.

Hip-Hop musicians during the latter part of the 2000s also began to adopt skinny jeans and later leggings. It was no coincidence then, that rap music also began to transform into its own “Hair Metal” equivalent during that time. It is fast becoming obvious that whenever tight, restrictive trousers become part of a musical genre, an era of mediocrity follows.

Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute Of Trousers (M.I.T.) have been trying to prove this theory. In various lab tests they recently attempted to transplant two Mumble Rappers under sedation, with vintage Guess jeans from 1996. Unfortunately one of the test subjects died during the procedure but the surviving rapper has shown a 200% increase in lyrical ability. The unnamed rapper, known by his lab nickname “Lil-Number-2”, has shown much improvement. The Scientists involved have reported that after this trouser transplant, the subject’s voice is now decipherable and he can now perform multisyllabic rhymes to the standard of a rapper from the time period of the grafted denim.

These studies have now led to a government grant, to widen the scope of this research from Rap to Rock ‘N’ Roll. Velvet flared trousers from the Psychedelic Rock era and frayed cargo pants from the Grunge period have been acquired by the team in order to transplant them onto Pop Rock, Emo, and New Rave artists to see if the same outcome can be achieved with contemporary Rock musicians. M.I.T. anaesthetists have expressed concerns about manoeuvring around the guitar in order to insert the cannula but they have said that they will persevere. We can only hope the scientists are successful.

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