Who is that fat, white man? There’s pictures of him everywhere

He has a swag bag, a beard, and long white hair

I’ve heard he rides flying horned creatures but that’s probably a lie

They say I have to leave him a mince pie but no one can tell me why

They say he comes down chimneys and that he doesn’t need a key

I’m definitely taking precautions and phoning ADT

I wonder if he’s an escaped patient from the local mental ward?

Now I’ve got to spend another Christmas clutching my longsword

I don’t want an old overweight man dressed head to toe in red

Climbing into my house whilst I’m safe asleep in bed

I think I’ll call British Gas in the morning just in case

To brick up my fire and fit a radiator in its place