A cartoon illustration of Santa Claus wearing a straight jacket. By Oddball Times

Who is that fat, white man? There’s pictures of him everywhere
He has a swag bag, a beard, and long white hair

I’ve heard he rides flying horned creatures but that’s probably a lie
They say I have to leave him a mince pie but no one can tell me why

They say he comes down chimneys and that he doesn’t need a key
I’m definitely taking precautions and phoning ADT

I wonder if he’s an escaped patient from the local mental ward?
Now I’ve got to spend another Christmas clutching my longsword

I don’t want an old overweight man dressed head to toe in red
Climbing into my house whilst I’m safe asleep in bed

I think I’ll call British Gas in the morning just in case
To brick up my fire and fit a radiator in its place

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