Christopher Wallace Is Trying To Out-Fox Us All

An image of Fox News Chris Wallace in Notorious Big's Ready To Die album cover. By Oddball Times

The other day my TV broke, so in a frenzy, I walked over to my neighbour’s house, a Friend Of Mine and Kicked Down The Door. My neighbour was watching a programme called Fox News Sunday presented by none other than Christopher Wallace. I did a double take, Christopher Wallace on Fox News? Unbelievable!

Now I’m not the best person to ask about popular history, it’s an Everyday Struggle, but I definitely didn’t know that he was presenting the news now. Things Done Changed!

First I thought Who Shot Ya? They must have missed, and then I figured he just wanted to get away from the limelight so he must have faked his death and lost weight. I must admit he looks a lot older (although 20 years can age a man) plus he would have had to surgically insert straight salt and pepper hair plugs. And since everybody wanna perform like Mike: Tyson, Jordan, especially Jackson, he must have had a skin bleach (which of course would have helped to get a job at Fox News). This kind of transformation must have cost a lot, Mo Money, Mo Problems I thought to myself. At least he finally got One More Chance to get back in his beloved New York and he’s certainly a good choice for a news anchor as he’s Gotta Story To Tell.

Having said that, I would have thought a little of the old Chris would shine through; perhaps a little rhyme here and there, but nothing, not even a single “uhh” was uttered.

Of course eventually I realised that this wasn’t the Christopher George Latore Wallace, the greatest rapper of all time who died on March 9th (R.I.P.) I was Dead Wrong, this was a crusty old white man called Chris Wallace.

The moral of the story is don’t watch TV after you’ve downed a complete bottle of Cristal mistaking it for a classic bottle of Lucozade. Warning: it’ll Hypnotize you.

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