I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property.

I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it indoors. When indoors, I use my Batavia Power Shears to cut the rope. I have plenty of rope as I always seem to need it.

Now I have my chosen tree in my living room, I trim the branches with my reliable Kent And Stowe Lopper which allows me to reach the topmost branches with ease and I create the shape I want. I finally have my tree shaped to perfection standing erect near my Vision panoramic fireplace.

I like to do this once a year on the 18th December, the date my second wife Betty died in similar circumstances to my first. She too was sitting in the living room in her Stressless Recliner. My calculations were once again not quite right and the tree fell towards the house, through the window, crushing Betty and sending her book “The Silent Wife” by A.S.A. Harrison flying through the air. Even at her funeral you could smell a mild scent of pine.

To console myself I spent most of that Christmas (as I did the year before) at my favourite DIY store with my tear-soaked insurance money. A great place to acquire replacement tools… and wives.