In the good old days when I was just a lad,

You could say what you wanted, oh, the fun that we had!

Now everything I say is “wrong”, what I do is “bad”,

Can’t say or do anything, it’s P.C. gone mad.

 

There’s nowt wrong with me saying “coloured” or “queer”,

But now it’s “keep quiet or the coloured queers ‘ll hear”.

When I see a shirt-lifter, I can’t yell “bums against the wall”,

No banter no more, I can’t say anything at all.

 

You can’t say “lezzer”, you can’t say “fairy”,

You can’t even call a poofter a “Mary”.

You can’t say “bender”, you can’t say “tranny”,

You can’t stand in the street and shout “show us your fanny!”

 

Can’t call a girl a “bird”, can’t pinch ’em on the bum,

Can’t accost a bimbo in an alley or you’ll be called “scum”.

It’s all complaints, investigations, and bloody lawsuits,

Can’t even joke about raping ‘n’ killing prostitutes.

 

We used to say “chinky” not “Chinese Take Away”,

We used to say “fruit” instead of saying “gay”.

What’s the problem with that? Nobody got hurt,

Except for the time we kicked that fruity chink in the dirt.

 

At the counter of Lucky Dragon you can’t say “Ching Chong”,

These days you can’t even call a cripple a “mong”.

You can’t shout “four eyes!” as you slap off someone’s glasses,

Can’t support who you want to or go on N.F. rallies.

 

Name calling was fine, but now it’s “boo hoo”,

Sticks and stones remember? Yeah, we used them too.

We would go Paki bashing, post shit through letterboxes,

We used to spray-paint “Go Back Home” on all the wog’s houses.

 

“Call a spade a spade” was always my motto,

So yesterday I called someone a “sambo”.

But then he called me “honky” and a crowd of people formed,

Black, brown, yellow, men, women, all of them swarmed.

 

Someone shouted “racist”, a woman slapped me in my face,

I tell you, I no longer recognise this place.

A man with crutches jabbed them straight into my nuts,

Even white people told me that they hate my guts.

 

An Asian man called me “gora”, a gay couple called me “gammon”,

Nobody helped me. Why? I couldn’t fathom.

What’s the world coming to? What’s happened to this nation?

They shouldn’t be allowed to say what they said, it’s discrimination.

 

They all hated me, I could see it in their faces,

“Gammon”, “honky”? That’s bloody racist!

They should ban slurs like that, what they said to me was wrong,

A wise fella once said “can’t we all just get along?”

 

I told my wife what happened, I tell you, it shocked her,

She said “get that black eye seen to” – but I’ll have to see that Indian doctor.

“And get that missing tooth fixed” – but he’s a Nigerian dentist,

I can’t wear my Tommy Robinson t-shirt in there… bloody political correctness!