A cartoon of a Petri dish with John Quayle and Jack Whitehall inside. By Oddball Times

It’s obvious that Michael Whitehall isn’t Jack Whitehall’s real father; a Conservative supporter in his late 40s couldn’t sire a child for goodness sake! It’s a well known fact that aside from their haughtiness, Conservative supporters’ testes are too wizened from all their pent-up aggression. Jack therefore, did not emanate from Mike’s urinary meatus, no, he was given to the producer and talent agent by the Celebrity Clone Lab in 1988 so that he could become a famous celeb despite lacking in talent… and it worked by Jove!

It’s quite clear that Jack Whitehall is a clone of actor John Quayle who played Lord Bunny Newbury in Upstairs, Downstairs. Quayle of course, also played Mr. Hawkins in Treasure Island and Whitehall is starring in Jungle Cruise as Mr. Houghton so maybe people are right: Jack Whitehall is a poor man’s John Quayle and a rich man’s “son”.

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