Hello all, I’m Boris Johnson, and in this general election,
I ask that you disregard my past when you make your selection…
I breached Commons expenses rules, I backed the Iraq War,
I think Tower Hamlets and Bradford want to impose sharia law.
I’ve campaigned across England, I’ve travelled many, many miles,
Looking for flag-waving piccaninnies with their watermelon smiles.
Asians should vote Conservative, that too would be nice,
All those coolies in rows, nourished on rice.
No matter your demographic, I urge you all to vote for me,
That includes cannibals originally from Papua New Guinea.
I want all Non-U chaps to raise their placard and make some noise,
All you obese, under-achievers of Portsmouth and tank-topped bumboys.
I want everyone to vote Tory in order to make this nation stronger,
Including all women who can retain their tears for longer.
All you middle-class graduates pushing-up house prices,
Type #VoteConservative into your smartphone devices.
After a convenient terror attack, I distracted with my tough stance on crime,
So please forget that I disguised May’s Brexit deal as mine.
I adore Winston Churchill but I ignore he’s a white supremacist,
Because I’m a bigot myself and not too far from a bigamist.
I’ve had so many flings, I have no idea of the amount,
I’ve had so many affairs that I’ve simply lost count.
I’ve been ridden by arts consultants, columnists, entrepreneurs and the like,
Is it any wonder that I came up with the “Boris Bike”?
I want to crack down on drugs, I want a national campaign,
Even though I snorted, no, sorry, I sneezed on cocaine.
Before being taught at university, I’ll admit, I had a few spliffs,
And speaking of teaching, forget what I said about Zaghari-Ratcliffe,
I want lower taxes for higher earners and lower taxes for the banks,
I want to send asylum seekers back to face the torture and the tanks.
People should pay to use the NHS, that makes perfect sense to me,
And I’m elated that we’re separating from all the euro pansies.
In this great nation that’s filled with whiff-whaff inventors,
Food banks, zero-hour contracts, and deportation centres.
With Universal Credit’s success and a rise in prostitution,
A vote for the Tories is the only solution.
Remember the zip wire? When I couldn’t get down,
Look, I’ve ruffled my hair, I’m BoJo the clown.
The only “feel-good politician”, that’s what Ian Hislop called me,
I’ve presented Have I Got News For You for the liberal BBC.
Who Do I Think I Am? I’m slightly Turkish with an Aryan-sheen,
I’m related to King George II and therefore the Queen,
But I’m trying to appeal to voters who have tans and tattoos,
That’s why my father appears on ITV and my sister on Sky News.
Don’t vote for Jeremy Corbyn, never mind Jo Swinson,
Vote for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
I’m the man who voted against a ban on hunting foxes,
I’m the one who said Muslim women look like bank robbers and letter boxes.
“Donald Trump with a theasuarus” is how Nick Clegg described me,
But I scoffed at his attempt to ridicule, mock and deride me.
They say voting for a UK Trump makes you ignorant, gormless, or thick,
But I concede that a vote for a “Johnson” is also a vote for a “prick”