Vote Boris Johnson! Says Boris Johnson

A caricature of Boris Johnson in blue by Oddball Times

Hello all, I’m Boris Johnson, and in this general election
I ask that you disregard my past when you make your selection…
I breached Commons expenses rules, I backed the Iraq War
I think Tower Hamlets and Bradford want to impose sharia law

I’ve campaigned across England, I’ve travelled many, many miles
Looking for flag-waving piccaninnies with their watermelon smiles
Asians should vote Conservative, that too would be nice
All those coolies in rows, nourished on rice

No matter your demographic, I urge you all to vote for me
That includes cannibals originally from Papua New Guinea
I want all Non-U chaps to raise their placard and make some noise
All you obese, under-achievers of Portsmouth and tank-topped bumboys

I want everyone to vote Tory in order to make this nation stronger
Including all women who can retain their tears for longer
All you middle-class graduates pushing-up house prices
Type #VoteConservative into your smartphone devices

After a convenient terror attack, I distracted with my tough stance on crime
So please forget that I disguised May’s Brexit deal as mine
I adore Winston Churchill but I ignore he’s a white supremacist
Because I’m a bigot myself and not too far from a bigamist

I’ve had so many flings, I have no idea of the amount
I’ve had so many affairs that I’ve simply lost count
I’ve been ridden by arts consultants, columnists, entrepreneurs and the like
Is it any wonder that I came up with the “Boris Bike”?

I want to crack down on drugs, I want a national campaign
Even though I snorted, no, sorry, I sneezed on cocaine
Before being taught at university, I’ll admit, I had a few spliffs
And speaking of teaching, forget what I said about Zaghari-Ratcliffe

I want lower taxes for higher earners and lower taxes for the banks
I want to send asylum seekers back to face the torture and the tanks
People should pay to use the NHS, that makes perfect sense to me
And I’m elated that we’re separating from all the euro pansies

In this great nation that’s filled with whiff-whaff inventors,
Food banks, zero-hour contracts, and deportation centres,
With Universal Credit’s success and a rise in prostitution
A vote for the Tories is the only solution

Remember the zip wire? When I couldn’t get down
Look, I’ve ruffled my hair, I’m BoJo the clown
The only “feel-good politician”, that’s what Ian Hislop called me
I’ve presented Have I Got News For You for the liberal BBC

Who Do I Think I Am? I’m slightly Turkish with an Aryan-sheen
I’m related to King George II and therefore the Queen
But I’m trying to appeal to voters who have tans and tattoos
That’s why my father appears on ITV and my sister on Sky News

Don’t vote for Jeremy Corbyn, never mind Jo Swinson,
Vote for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
I’m the man who voted against a ban on hunting foxes
I’m the one who said Muslim women look like bank robbers and letter boxes

“Donald Trump with a theasuarus” is how Nick Clegg described me
But I scoffed at his attempt to ridicule, mock and deride me
They say voting for a UK Trump makes you ignorant, gormless, or thick
But I concede that a vote for a “Johnson” is also a vote for a “prick”

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