In this difficult time, spare a thought for all the right-wing Islamophobes out there. After railing against halal meat and burkas for two decades, gammon across the nation now find themselves in a bit of a pickle. Since traditional supermarket shelves are being emptied by panic buyers, the only place to buy food is at their local Asian mini-marts.

After swallowing their pride and donning protective gear including a face mask and hoodie, a few brave, anti-Islam, white nationalists have secretly ventured to their local Pakistani butchers to purchase halal chicken. These poor souls unfortunately mistook each other for Muslims and proceeded to physically assault one another in the car park.

After a vicious beating, one victim picked up his flattened, boot-printed chicken off the tarmac and straightened his fabric mask. He reported the incident to the police. “I couldn’t see the assailant’s face but he was dressed head to toe in black” adding “it was probably ISIS or a jihadi bride… I told you we should’ve banned the burka”.