Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic

A cartoon of a hedgehog going shopping during the COVID-19 crisis

As I do each year, I woke up to sun hitting my face. I love this time of year, the end of hibernation means I can get out and about, meet friends and enjoy the fresh air.

Today I looked out and saw a wonderfully sunny day and I thought “right, that’s it, what I need right now is a stroll in the sun to get my legs working, get my quills pert, and at the same time get some good old vitamin D into my system”.

I saw Doreen next door just about to go out. Oddly she had a full jogging suit, sweat bands and some brand new trainers on. Unusual I thought, she usually stays close to her warren but hey why not? I went up to her gate to give her a few words of encouragement but she dashed inside. Maybe I hadn’t cleaned my teeth properly, hibernation can take it’s toll on the old gnashers.

Anyway I had a powerful urge to get a McDonald’s so I strolled over. Even before I got there I could see that there were no cars in the drive-thru and the bins were all locked (Mr. Fauntleroy the fox won’t be happy tonight). I walked further to Nando’s and they were closed too. I was baffled. I thought I’d try a Greggs instead but they were shut as well. I tried Costa Coffee, Starbucks, Subway… all closed???

I then decided to do a big shop as I’d emptied all my shelves at home before my hibernation began. I went to the local supermarket and on the way I saw folks walking on the other side of the road when I came near them and most were covering their faces. Why so?

When I got into the shop I couldn’t find my favourite Mexican beer so I grabbed the essentials; 48 toilet rolls, 6 milks, several bars of soap, 4 loaves and of course to get the burrow looking wonderfully clean again, a lot of bleach and cleaning products. Realising that coming out of hibernation plays havoc with your water works and needing to get home quickly, I dashed to the next available checkout. I was coughing and breathing heavily, having not been used to moving so much over the last few months and was just about to ask the assistant, “where’s the Corona?” when I was pulled out of the shop by two burly badgers.

I’m now back at home with no food, no beer and a dirty bedroom. Oh the life of a hedgehog… humans don’t have to put up with this.

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