The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage

A heist blueprint involving stealing keys

Having read the government’s statement about certain people being asked to continue working whilst the rest of us stay at home (due to this pesky joint US/Chinese lab-rat-bat virus pandemic) I felt very happy. Without divulging my methods, I recently “happened upon” my neighbour’s shed key in order to “borrow” his lawnmower and so I used my one-hour allocated exercise period to take it to my local key cutters only to realise that they weren’t the type of “key workers” the government were talking about. This was of course detrimental to my garden-tool-based heist so now I’ll have to move to ingenious Plan B which involves getting hold of some ventilator parts and a gallon of hand sanitiser.

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