What will you be doing this Halloween? You can’t go out with your 5 friends to trick or treat your neighbours, unless you live in a group home. You’ll have to go on your own or walk 2 metres away from your friend like a depressing zombie movie. At least you can throw toilet rolls and eggs at your neighbours, but they will probably open their doors and catch them… just in case there’s another lockdown.

When you’re out trick or treating this year, take a closer look at that neighbour who always wears the best costume. It’s just a dazed old man wearing pyjamas and a tight face mask (with his nose exposed) and his red eyes are only because he’s been staring at the Track And Trace app on his smartphone for the past few hours.

Next try the other neighbour, the generous couple. But remember it’s 2020. One of them is on furlough and the other has spent a fortune on high-speed broadband so they can work from home. They can’t afford any sweets this year. You can still leave your plastic pumpkin container on the doorstep (and then step back) and you’ll receive a few pieces of pasta, some rice grains, or an antibacterial wipe.

So have a great Halloween (as long as you’re home before curfew) and remember: whatever fancy dress outfit you choose, wear a surgical mask over your other mask and whatever you do don’t mention the “Day of the Dead”.