If you’re a socialist you might get a sacking

But if you’re a Tory you’ll get my backing

Antisemitism: I abhor it

Islamophobia: I’ll ignore it

If Corbyn says anything I’ll attack him

If Johnson says something I’ll back him

If my party goes left I’ll report it

If my party veers right I’ll support it

It’s me: grey-haired, pink-faced Sir Keir Starmer

I have the weathered skin of an upland farmer

Labour will remain a shadow under me

And I have two holes where my eyes should be

Any policy put forward: I’m against it

But once it’s passed I’ll say I commenced it

Ask for my opinion, my answer: “it’s wrong”

But if you want action you’ll get none

I have no direction, my party’s rudderless

I’m neither red nor blue, I’m somehow colourless

Lifeless, spiritless, listless and spineless

Want another knighthood? Yes please your Highness