A heist blueprint involving stealing keys

The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage

Having read the government’s statement about certain people being asked to continue working whilst the rest of us stay at home (due to this pesky joint US/Chinese lab-rat-bat virus pandemic) I felt very happy. Without divulging my methods, I recently “happened upon” my neighbour’s shed key in order to “borrow” his lawnmower and so I used my one-hour allocated exercise period to take it to … Continue reading The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage

A cartoon of a hedgehog going shopping during the COVID-19 crisis

Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic

As I do each year, I woke up to sun hitting my face. I love this time of year, the end of hibernation means I can get out and about, meet friends and enjoy the fresh air. Today I looked out and saw a wonderfully sunny day and I thought “right, that’s it, what I need right now is a stroll in the sun to … Continue reading Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic

A cartoon of Specky Third Eye listening to Bad by Michael Jackson

Review Rewind: Bad By Michael Jackson

Hi there! I was listening to some music in the summer heat and I remembered the time when everyone said that Michael Jackson was Bad. These unfounded accusations went on and on and there were millions of people shouting the same thing. They were chasing Michael down the street screaming and crying whilst his chauffeur did his best to get him away without mowing people … Continue reading Review Rewind: Bad By Michael Jackson

A cartoon of Specky Third Eye listening to Purple Rain by Prince

Review Rewind: Purple Rain By Prince

So folks, I have a treat for you all because I’m reviewing a two Grammy, three American Music Award, one Brit, one Oscar winner that went Platinum 13 times… Purple Rain by Prince And The Revolution (because making bell bottom trousers and high heels look sexy on a man was quite revolutionary). The first song, “Let’s Go Crazy” is, I think, a nod to a … Continue reading Review Rewind: Purple Rain By Prince

A cartoon of Specky Third Eye listening to Invisible Touch by Genesis

Review Rewind: Invisible Touch By Genesis

Hello folks, its me again. This time I’ve found a great new band called Genesis. Judging by the group’s name I think they’re a Christian outfit. I’m reviewing a little known album by them called “Invisible Touch” which also happens to be the title of the first song. It’s a real toe tapper. It’s about a female cyborg who can perform non-invasive heart massages to … Continue reading Review Rewind: Invisible Touch By Genesis

A cartoon of Specky Third Eye listening to Sgt Pepper by The Beatles

Review Rewind: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles

I recently subscribed to Spotify and of course I want to get my money’s worth. So my genius idea is to start an album review section here at Oddball Times for the most unusual, unheard and underground music. So hold onto your ears folks and here goes… This month I came across an album called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I love it’s colourful … Continue reading Review Rewind: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles

The Japanese flag with the Death Star in the centre being interviewed by an Oddball Times microphone

A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace

After hearing the news that the old Emperor would be abdicating and the new Emperor would be succeeding him in May, I went half way across the globe to see the preparations for the great ceremony. I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t keen on the last Emperor, what with the double life, the destroying of the Jedi Order and being an all-round menace. As … Continue reading A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace

A cartoon of a map showing Paisley Park and the Prince symbol. By Oddball Times

Prince: Telling Little Purple Lies

I made a trip up North and drove to Paisley in Scotland this week. I was looking forward to seeing the colourful people, the see-saw and the pier that I’d heard so much about. To my disappointment, I found Robertson Park, Kelvingrove Park, Barshaw Park, and although they were all very lovely they weren’t what I was looking for. I even found Pollok Estate and … Continue reading Prince: Telling Little Purple Lies

A bottle of Yakult and some flavoured dental dams placed over the Japanese flag. By Oddball Times

Gaining Carnal Knowledge: The Art Of Seduction In Japan With The Help Of Yakult

I’ve always wanted to visit Japan; for the food, the sites, the technology, but more specifically the gorgeous women. Unfortunately I don’t speak Japanese but after watching the idents by Yakult which air on the Food Network, I think I have all the phrases I’ll require in the event of a sexual encounter (especially of an oral nature)… The Yakult advertisements begin with this rather … Continue reading Gaining Carnal Knowledge: The Art Of Seduction In Japan With The Help Of Yakult

A cartoon of a Christmas tree felling. By Oddball Times

My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition

I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property. I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it … Continue reading My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition

A parody of the Build-A-Bear Workshop logo with masonic symbolism. By Oddball Times

If You Go Down In The Woods Today: En Route To The Bilderberg Group

What the masonic hell is going on?! I made all the necessary preparations to infiltrate this year’s Bilderberg Group Meeting, I took my camera, my placard saying “I’m with Alex Jones“ (I was planning on getting her autograph later, love The One Show on the BBC), I also took some sandwiches and a flask of tea. It took me bloodlines-forever to find the place although … Continue reading If You Go Down In The Woods Today: En Route To The Bilderberg Group

An image of Fox News Chris Wallace in Notorious Big's Ready To Die album cover. By Oddball Times

Christopher Wallace Is Trying To Out-Fox Us All

The other day my TV broke, so in a frenzy, I walked over to my neighbour’s house, a Friend Of Mine and Kicked Down The Door. My neighbour was watching a programme called Fox News Sunday presented by none other than Christopher Wallace. I did a double take, Christopher Wallace on Fox News? Unbelievable! Now I’m not the best person to ask about popular history, … Continue reading Christopher Wallace Is Trying To Out-Fox Us All

A cartoon image of protesters choking on smoke by Oddball Times

Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire

A popular proverb in today’s world is “there’s no smoke without fire”. People who agree with this adage and who readily use this phrase as justification for unfounded accusations, gathered recently. The group chanted this motto as they marched toward the property of a celebrity who was accused of sexual assault. As the group approached the gates of the property, the star emerged in his … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire

A cartoon of a drunk man lying on the floor among empty bottles by Oddball Times

What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol

Whilst watching breakfast television I’m always intrigued by their health segments and over the last few months I’ve heard quite a few health-based stories. According to scientists, red wine contains antioxidants and cider contains vitamin C. Research has also found that whiskey aids weight loss and may also help heart health. Cognac which is sometimes called “the healing drink” also benefits the heart, Tequila lowers … Continue reading What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol

A cartoon of someone without a weapon facing a burglar with a gun. By Oddball Times

Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do

I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges… brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found lots; hammers, knives, an axe, a chainsaw, a cricket bat. … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do

A cartoon of a man brushing his teeth with lots of foam. By Oddball Times

Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes

Thanks to Colgate’s ever-expanding range of toothpastes, I find myself furiously brushing my teeth from around 5:00am all the way to 8:00am. I begin brushing with Colgate Max Fresh Intense Foam because I enjoy the sensation of “intensely foamy” toothpaste. Of course I want my teeth to be healthy, so I follow this with Colgate Enamel Strength, Colgate Maximum Cavity Protection, Colgate Total Pro Gum … Continue reading Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes