Phony Proverbs: Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
After wandering around my local household waste recycling centre, I found two damaged clocks… Continue reading Phony Proverbs: Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
Category: Anecdotal Comedy
Phony Proverbs: A Watched Pot Never Boils
Who was it who said “a watched pot never boils”? I stared intently at a pot of water over a stove and lo and behold, it started boiling at the ten minute mark. The boiling time will, of course, depend on the material and thickness of the pot, and the level of heat has its part to play too. I’ll also state for the record, … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: A Watched Pot Never Boils
What A Prat: Travelling To Christopher Pratt’s UK Home
I’m a big fan of 70’s music and talking raccoons so, as you can imagine, the Guardians Of The Galaxy films are amongst my favourite movies. I’m hyped about the third instalment. Wanting the inside scoop I found, to my surprise, that Chris Pratt had a pad in Leeds, West Yorkshire of all places. I eagerly packed some lunch and drove to the address. It’s … Continue reading What A Prat: Travelling To Christopher Pratt’s UK Home
Ayo Mayo Clinic: Word On The Street Is You Got The World’s Greatest Mayonnaise
BBQ season is well and truly over but I’ll be honest with you folks, I wasn’t overwhelmed by the level of taste in the condiments on offer, in particular mayonnaise. I’ve decided that next year I’ll stun my friends by holding a BBQ with the ultimate mayo! My plan was to go to the best minds in this field and get them to prepare the … Continue reading Ayo Mayo Clinic: Word On The Street Is You Got The World’s Greatest Mayonnaise
The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage
Having read the government’s statement about certain people being asked to continue working whilst the rest of us stay at home (due to this pesky joint US/Chinese lab-rat-bat virus pandemic) I felt very happy. Without divulging my methods, I recently “happened upon” my neighbour’s shed key in order to “borrow” his lawnmower and so I used my one-hour allocated exercise period to take it to … Continue reading The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage
Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic
As I do each year, I woke up to sun hitting my face. I love this time of year, the end of hibernation means I can get out and about, meet friends and enjoy the fresh air. Today I looked out and saw a wonderfully sunny day and I thought “right, that’s it, what I need right now is a stroll in the sun to … Continue reading Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic
Testing My Patience: The Problem With Autonomous Vehicles
This week I’ve been up and down the country testing driverless vehicles. Apparently you can hire self-driving, robotic cars from various companies so I thought I’d give a few of them a go … Continue reading Testing My Patience: The Problem With Autonomous Vehicles
Review Rewind: Bad By Michael Jackson
Hi there! I was listening to some music in the summer heat and I remembered the time when everyone said that Michael Jackson was Bad. These unfounded accusations went on and on and there were millions of people shouting the same thing. They were chasing Michael down the street screaming and crying whilst his chauffeur did his best to get him away without mowing people … Continue reading Review Rewind: Bad By Michael Jackson
Review Rewind: Purple Rain By Prince
So folks, I have a treat for you all because I’m reviewing a two Grammy, three American Music Award, one Brit, one Oscar winner that went Platinum 13 times… Purple Rain by Prince And The Revolution (because making bell bottom trousers and high heels look sexy on a man was quite revolutionary). The first song, “Let’s Go Crazy” is, I think, a nod to a … Continue reading Review Rewind: Purple Rain By Prince
Review Rewind: Invisible Touch By Genesis
Hello folks, its me again. This time I’ve found a great new band called Genesis. Judging by the group’s name I think they’re a Christian outfit. I’m reviewing a little known album by them called “Invisible Touch” which also happens to be the title of the first song. It’s a real toe tapper. It’s about a female cyborg who can perform non-invasive heart massages to … Continue reading Review Rewind: Invisible Touch By Genesis
Review Rewind: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles
I recently subscribed to Spotify and of course I want to get my money’s worth. So my genius idea is to start an album review section here at Oddball Times for the most unusual, unheard and underground music. So hold onto your ears folks and here goes… This month I came across an album called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I love it’s colourful … Continue reading Review Rewind: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles
A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace
After hearing the news that the old Emperor would be abdicating and the new Emperor would be succeeding him in May, I went half way across the globe to see the preparations for the great ceremony. I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t keen on the last Emperor, what with the double life, the destroying of the Jedi Order and being an all-round menace. As … Continue reading A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace
Prince: Telling Little Purple Lies
I made a trip up North and drove to Paisley in Scotland this week. I was looking forward to seeing the colourful people, the see-saw and the pier that I’d heard so much about. To my disappointment, I found Robertson Park, Kelvingrove Park, Barshaw Park, and although they were all very lovely they weren’t what I was looking for. I even found Pollok Estate and … Continue reading Prince: Telling Little Purple Lies
Gaining Carnal Knowledge: The Art Of Seduction In Japan With The Help Of Yakult
I’ve always wanted to visit Japan; for the food, the sites, the technology, but more specifically the gorgeous women. Unfortunately I don’t speak Japanese but after watching the idents by Yakult which air on the Food Network, I think I have all the phrases I’ll require in the event of a sexual encounter (especially of an oral nature)… The Yakult advertisements begin with this rather … Continue reading Gaining Carnal Knowledge: The Art Of Seduction In Japan With The Help Of Yakult
My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition
I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property. I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it … Continue reading My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition
80s & 90s Radio: Absolutely Not What I Was Listening To!
Today I thought I’d give Absolute Radio a go … Continue reading 80s & 90s Radio: Absolutely Not What I Was Listening To!
If You Go Down In The Woods Today: En Route To The Bilderberg Group
What the masonic hell is going on?! I made all the necessary preparations to infiltrate this year’s Bilderberg Group Meeting, I took my camera, my placard saying “I’m with Alex Jones“ (I was planning on getting her autograph later, love The One Show on the BBC), I also took some sandwiches and a flask of tea. It took me bloodlines-forever to find the place although … Continue reading If You Go Down In The Woods Today: En Route To The Bilderberg Group
Christopher Wallace Is Trying To Out-Fox Us All
The other day my TV broke, so in a frenzy, I walked over to my neighbour’s house, a Friend Of Mine and Kicked Down The Door. My neighbour was watching a programme called Fox News Sunday presented by none other than Christopher Wallace. I did a double take, Christopher Wallace on Fox News? Unbelievable! Now I’m not the best person to ask about popular history, … Continue reading Christopher Wallace Is Trying To Out-Fox Us All
Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire
A popular proverb in today’s world is “there’s no smoke without fire”. People who agree with this adage and who readily use this phrase as justification for unfounded accusations, gathered recently. The group chanted this motto as they marched toward the property of a celebrity who was accused of sexual assault. As the group approached the gates of the property, the star emerged in his … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire
What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol
Whilst watching breakfast television I’m always intrigued by their health segments and over the last few months I’ve heard quite a few health-based stories. According to scientists, red wine contains antioxidants and cider contains vitamin C. Research has also found that whiskey aids weight loss and may also help heart health. Cognac which is sometimes called “the healing drink” also benefits the heart, Tequila lowers … Continue reading What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol
Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges… brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found lots; hammers, knives, an axe, a chainsaw, a cricket bat. … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes
Thanks to Colgate’s ever-expanding range of toothpastes, I find myself furiously brushing my teeth from around 5:00am all the way to 8:00am. I begin brushing with Colgate Max Fresh Intense Foam because I enjoy the sensation of “intensely foamy” toothpaste. Of course I want my teeth to be healthy, so I follow this with Colgate Enamel Strength, Colgate Maximum Cavity Protection, Colgate Total Pro Gum … Continue reading Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes
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