Celebrity gene splicing is very much like making perfume; you need to add a teeny-weeny bit of something unpleasant to make something pleasant. Case in point: actor Richard Jordan. He was created… Continue reading Celebrity Gene Splicing: How They Made Richard Jordan
This time around in our Incredible Casting Crew segment is a biopic about Deee-Lite’s Lady Miss Kier… Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Elizabeth Banks As Lady Miss Kier
I’ve been getting a touch of déjà vu whilst watching these big-budget superhero films… Continue reading Seeing Double: Running Out Of Comic Book Movie Actors
This time in our Incredible Casting Crew segment is a film called “Turned Out Nice Again”, a nine-hour, 4:3 aspect ratio, black and white musical biopic about George Formby played entirely on the ukulele. Russell Howard, who would travel chronologically and in real time through each of Formby’s films, needs to brush-up on the tiny stringed instrument so we can get this made in time … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Russell Howard As George Formby
Tom Allen, though popular on television, has never really “made it” in the movies. After appearing in bit parts over the years, Tom has finally bagged a lead role! … Continue reading The Secret About The Secret Garden: Dixie Egerickx Is Tom Allen In Disguise
This week in our Incredible Casting Crew segment is a movie called “Some Time In New York City”. This film is all about the last days of John Lennon’s life but there’s an added twist: there’s a love triangle between John (played by Daniel Radcliffe) his wife Yoko Ono (played by Rinko Kikuchi) and John’s assassin Mark Chapman (played by K. Trevor Wilson). Audience members … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Daniel Radcliffe As John Lennon
This week in our Incredible Casting Crew segment is a film about Greta Thunberg starring Mia Wasikowska. Instead of your bog-standard biopic, our movie will be a Jason Bourne-style action thriller with Greta … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Mia Wasikowska As Greta Thunberg
It’s a five hour drive from Stanford to Glendale, a trip that Rishi Sunak once took whilst attending Stanford University in California. In 2006 just before graduating, he was spotted lurking around outside Dreamworks Animation in Glendale and was immediately cast in Flushed Away as the lead upper class rat “Roddy”. Influenced by his role and clutching a cheque from Aardman, Rishi moved into a … Continue reading He’s Flush: The Source Of Rishi Sunak’s Investments
It’s not just my mate, my mucker, mi old fella mi lad B.I./O.S. who comes up with adverts, I have a marvelous idea for an ad too! This one features actor Tilda Swinton, who thanks to her name, can advertise either Tilda Rice or Swinton Insurance. I assume that since Tilda Swinton played an Asian comic book hero named “The Ancient One” in Marvel’s Doctor … Continue reading Like White On Rice: My Idea For A Tilda Rice Advert
What do you get if you splice 1 Fox with Mapother to the power of 4? Continue reading Celebrity Gene Splicing: How They Made Scott Wolf
In our latest Incredible Casting Crew segment, we have another fantastic pitch to the entertainment industry. This time it’s a reboot of the classic 90’s sitcom One Foot In The Grave starring none other than John Malkovich! Picture it: a grumpy Victor Meldrew played with the same dark, monotone voice of Cyrus The Virus from Con Air or Mitch Leary from In The Line Of … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: John Malkovich In One Foot In The Grave Reboot
What’s better for your health? Cooking with butter or cooking with oil? Experts say that butter isn’t all that bad, it contains many nutrients including Vitamin K2 (and other letter and number combinations). But I’m not here to say what health benefits there are or to tell you the smoke-point stats, I just need a marketing ploy to get rid of the two dozen boxes … Continue reading Putting The Rape Into Rapeseed Oil And The Butt Into Butter: My Idea For An Olive Oil Advert
After a couple of films in which Timothy Spall played artists J.M.W. Turner and L.S. Lowry, the question remains: will Tim play any more daubers of paint? Will he portray any more makers of assorted objet d’art? The answer is: of course he will! Spall is now set to play the mysterious graffiti artist Banksy and tapestry and vase creator Grayson Perry. Oh, how the … Continue reading Greenlit: Two More Artist Biopics Starring Timothy Spall
This week in our Incredible Casting Crew segment is Beyond The Starship, a semi-fictionalised movie about Richard D. Hall, presenter of Richplanet. Keanu Reeves plays the lead role of Rich Hall; he investigates UFO sightings, fabricated terrorism including 9/11, as well as mind control, and hidden history. The problem is, these “conspiracies” are all linked and anyone who exposes the truth is at risk of … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Keanu Reeves As Richard D. Hall
Francis Ford Coppola has been messing with his movies over the last decade or so, needlessly lengthening films such as Apocalypse Now and The Outsiders. Whether he’s ruined his own films by re-editing them or not (and he has) the fact that he doesn’t mind fiddling with his own creations surely means that my idea for a movie tie-in advertising campaign will go down pretty … Continue reading An Offer You Can’t Refuse: A Tropicana Sanguinello Advertising Idea
It’s not true what they say: Chris Pine isn’t the son of actors Robert Pine and Gwynne Gilford, oh no, he’s a hybridised clone! For proof, we ask you to look at Pine’s Leonardo DiCaprio-esque eyes and his Brian Thompson-esque jaw, he’s so obviously an amalgamation of the two actors. One day during a power blackout, the DNA of Thompson (star of The Terminator and … Continue reading Celebrity Gene Splicing: How They Made Chris Pine
Here at Oddball Times we don’t sit on our laurels. We’ve created another brand-spanking new segment for you to enjoy called “The Incredible Casting Crew“. In this section, we will prove to Hollywood that we’re the world’s greatest casting directors (and the best Photoshoppers on the planet)! Our first pitch to the film industry is a biopic about Tiffany, the ’80s teen singer. The movie … Continue reading The Incredible Casting Crew: Bella Thorne In A Tiffany Darwish Biopic
Peter Bull never could decide which profession to focus on: he was an actor, a Lieutenant-Commander in the Royal Navy, a shopkeeper, and a writer. Leap-frogging from one job to another, the one thing Bull always wanted to do was learn how to mime. So in 1984, he faked his death and honed his craft for 35 years until he was the world’s foremost mime … Continue reading Pokémon Detective Pikachu: A Load Of Bull
Leslie Parrish, who starred in the original Manchurian Candidate was made by splicing the genes of Lena Heady and Margot Robbie. I bet you didn’t know that! Quite unexpectedly, Leslie Parrish turned out much better than her progenitors; she was an activist and environmentalist, she fought against the Vietnam War and for civil rights, she created a television station that pre-empted C-SPAN, she built a … Continue reading Celebrity Gene Splicing: How They Made Leslie Parrish
“Thank God” the scientists shouted as the genes of Mila Kunis and Chloë Grace Moretz were successfully spliced together seconds before the deadline of May 12th 1997. The result of the experiment was then named after this celebratory outcry; “Odeya” (which means “Thank God” in Hebrew) “Rush” (signifying the time it took to create her) is now a talented actor and model thanks to this … Continue reading Celebrity Gene Splicing: How They Made Odeya Rush
For all those who defend mainstream Hollywood casting decisions that favour straight, white, male actors (people usually heard yelling “it’s an actor’s job is to play somebody they’re not” or “an actor should be allowed to play any character”) here’s a handy little guide for you to peruse… Can a white male actor play a white male role? Yes. Can a white male actor play … Continue reading Acting Is Acting And Actors Are Actors: A Guide To Hollywood Casting For Minorities
Have you tried logging in to Yorkshire Bank lately? The page where you enter your login details features a strange, disconcerting image on the top left hand side, in fact I’m sure I’ve seen it somewhere else. After visiting the site a few times I realised what it was; it’s that scene from the film IT, you know, where the projector starts playing up? Then I … Continue reading Yorkshire Bank: Being Penny-Wise
The life of Andy Serkis is to be told as a big-budget Hollywood movie sources tell us. The story of a young lad from Ruislip Manor going on to college, studying theatre and eventually becoming the foremost Motion Capture performer, has been green-lit for production. Studio executives have said that because of the popularity of CGI films and Motion-Capture performances, Serkis’ biopic will be entirely … Continue reading Greenlit: A Big-Budget Andy Serkis Biopic
When a film such as John Wick becomes popular, it’s time to think product tie-ins. There’s no doubt that John Wick and John Wick: Chapter 2 were massive hits at the box office, with the first movie netting over $88 million and the second instalment grossing over $171 million. It’s obvious that the next film in the series will be a bigger success and with … Continue reading Tie-In Product Idea: John Wick And Air Wick
I think we need to bring back Pink Panther… Continue reading Targeting The Pink Pound: Kinky Reboots
Shortly after the world discovered that Harvey Weinstein was an alleged sexual harasser, sexual assaulter, and rapist, the man went under the radar and seemingly dropped off the map. There were reports that he was “in treatment” but people are now beginning to ask “what treatment?” and “where?”. Well, we have an exclusive for you folks, Harvey was forced by the Center For Misogyny Reassignment … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein’s Secret Therapy: What It’s Like Being A Woman
I was wondering the other day, when Professor Xavier opened his X-Mansion at 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, Westchester County, New York and gathered his X-Men, why amongst Wolverine, Rogue, Jean Grey, Cyclops, Beast and Gambit didn’t they include Malcolm? He lived and worked in New York so he wouldn’t have had far to travel and surely he was the only other one with “X” … Continue reading Cultural Appropriation Month: Black Superheroes
The movie Terminator 2: Judgment Day was very prophetic; we now have drones in the sky gunning people down, robots are evolving on a daily basis, and with Google, Alexa, Siri and Cortana, we’re moving ever-closer to a Skynet-type artificial intelligence overthrowing the human race. So if James Cameron’s film accurately predicted our future demise, the question remains: who will usher in this imminent human … Continue reading Beware Of Dyson’s Creations: Predictions Of Our Future In Terminator 2
Do you know who I saw whilst I was visiting Hammersmith this week? None other than Thomas Hardy! He looked wonderful, some wrinkles but not many for his age. He wasn’t wearing his usual tailcoat, double-breasted vest and wing-tip collar… oh no, not a hat or a pair of gloves in sight. In fact he was in some modern Levis and T-shirt, what a transformation! … Continue reading Far From The Maddening Crowd: My Interview With Tom Hardy
This week I went out to California to meet Tom Cruise. I felt overwhelmed but I managed to ask Tom how it felt to be a father and what it was like to be one of three dads. I was amongst other reporters so I think he didn’t hear me. I continued unperturbed. I asked him when he’d changed his name from Tom Gruber to … Continue reading Tom Cruise And Suri Cruise: Mistaken A.I.dentity
This week on Celebrity Clone Lab it’s author Salman Rushdie. If you don’t already know, he’s the clone of filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, just look at the resemblance! Sal and Stan are known for their controversial art; Salman for his book The Satanic Protocols and Stanley for his masterful direction of the moon landings. Another controversial subject surrounding this pair is the fatwa on Rushdie’s head … Continue reading Celebrity Clone Lab: Salman Rushdie And Stanley Kubrick
Harvey Weinstein sitting atop the Hollywood Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G (plus harassment, sexual assault, and rape, allegedly) Everyone on the lower branches gave him way too many chances They ignored or covered up his unwanted sexual advances This was something actresses had to get used ta All ’cause he was a hot shot producer What that means folks, is he had the power To fill the cinema … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein: Big Pimping
