A heist blueprint involving stealing keys

The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage

Having read the government’s statement about certain people being asked to continue working whilst the rest of us stay at home (due to this pesky joint US/Chinese lab-rat-bat virus pandemic) I felt very happy. Without divulging my methods, I recently “happened upon” my neighbour’s shed key in order to “borrow” his lawnmower and so I used my one-hour allocated exercise period to take it to … Continue reading The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage

A cartoon of two white nationalists in face masks lying on the floor after assulting each other

Confusing Times For Gammon: Inadvertent Self-Hatred Amidst The Coronavirus

In this difficult time, spare a thought for all the right-wing Islamophobes out there. After railing against halal meat and burkas for two decades, gammon across the nation now find themselves in a bit of a pickle. Since traditional supermarket shelves are being emptied by panic buyers, the only place to buy food is at their local Asian mini-marts. After swallowing their pride and donning … Continue reading Confusing Times For Gammon: Inadvertent Self-Hatred Amidst The Coronavirus

A parody image of Harrods paracetamol and Fortnum & Mason toilet paper

We Have Our Limits: COVID-19 Panic Buying Affecting All Establishments

After a flurry of panic buying and hoarding, supermarkets across Britain have put limits into place. Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Asda have all put a three-product limit on various grocery items but what about other retailers? I haven’t heard anything on the news about Fortnum & Mason. Can I only purchase three tins of Baerii Caviar? It’s only an “entry level caviar” and at £55.00 per … Continue reading We Have Our Limits: COVID-19 Panic Buying Affecting All Establishments

A cartoon of an open front door with burglars, rapists and murderers waiting outside. By Oddball Times

Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked

Kids played freely in the street Eating Spam instead of meat Back when you could leave your front door unlocked Gossiping over the garden fence You could buy a week’s shopping with half-a-pence Back when you could leave your front door unlocked You knew the name of the people next door All cosy in the shelter during the war Back when you could leave your … Continue reading Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked

A cartoon of a Christmas tree felling. By Oddball Times

My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition

I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property. I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it … Continue reading My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition

A cartoon illustration of a pumpkin with a carving knife and blood on the floor to signify Halloween. By Oddball Times

May Contain Nutjobs: The Origins Of Halloween

After eating an entire packet of Nerds, two packets of popping candy, and spending a whopping four minutes on the internet, I’ve discovered the following about Halloween and its origins… Pumpkin Carving: This tradition dates back to Britain when a 3 year old boy named Sam Hain decided that he hated eating his vegetables, in particular pumpkins, and took his revenge by removing the insides … Continue reading May Contain Nutjobs: The Origins Of Halloween

A cartoon illustration of an active school shooter in the rubble of a dismantled school building. By Oddball Times

From Swots to SWAT: The Obvious Solution To Prevent School Shootings

Every time there’s a school shooting, politicians, pundits, and members of the public question what we should change… Maybe we should arm the teachers? Err… no, imagine your worst P.E. teacher with a Glock? Terrible idea. Okay, so maybe we should place body scanners in all schools? Err… no, imagine all the nonce security guards salivating over the student’s body outline. There have also been … Continue reading From Swots to SWAT: The Obvious Solution To Prevent School Shootings

A cartoon of a drunk man lying on the floor among empty bottles by Oddball Times

What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol

Whilst watching breakfast television I’m always intrigued by their health segments and over the last few months I’ve heard quite a few health-based stories. According to scientists, red wine contains antioxidants and cider contains vitamin C. Research has also found that whiskey aids weight loss and may also help heart health. Cognac which is sometimes called “the healing drink” also benefits the heart, Tequila lowers … Continue reading What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol

A cartoon of someone without a weapon facing a burglar with a gun. By Oddball Times

Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do

I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges… brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found lots; hammers, knives, an axe, a chainsaw, a cricket bat. … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do

An image of a cow with a speech bubble telling her to cover up her teats. By Oddball Times

Oh Dairy, Dairy Me: New Breastfeeding Solidarity Laws

New legislation has come into effect today and it will affect all those people who object to women breastfeeding their babies in public places including restaurants and cafes. Starting from today, anybody who complains to members of staff about witnessing breast milk being fed to a baby will also not be allowed to order or consume anything containing milk. To make things clear; that’s no … Continue reading Oh Dairy, Dairy Me: New Breastfeeding Solidarity Laws

A cartoon of a healthy chicken looking at a small broiler chicken with fast food logos stamped on its skin. By Oddball Times

Fast Food Slogans: Catchy Tag Lines, Horrible Truth

Have It Your Way… If I really had it my way, I wouldn’t put every single one of these restaurants in the worst part of town where I definitely have to use the drive through, making sure my car doors are locked to avoid having to spend the afternoon at the police station looking at mug shots. I’m Lovin’ It… When I have to shout … Continue reading Fast Food Slogans: Catchy Tag Lines, Horrible Truth

A cartoon of Winnie Mandela on a computer screen. By Oddball Times

The Mandela Effect: Proof That The Winnie Mandela Effect Is Real

If you don’t already know, the “Winnie Mandela Effect” was named by paranormal expert Fiona Dustpan when she first realised that she wasn’t the only person who wrongly believed Winnie Mandela spontaneously combusted in the 1990s. Dustpan insists that she remembers the media coverage of this event, she says that she vividly recalls video footage of Winnie exploding. Fiona then started the website winniemandelaspontaneouslycombusted.con and … Continue reading The Mandela Effect: Proof That The Winnie Mandela Effect Is Real

A cartoon of a chinook bringing emergency aid to the Hollywood hills. By Oddball Times

Bill Gates: Control, Alt, Delete

Hey Bill, I have a brilliant idea and I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to hear it. I listened avidly to your speeches supporting eugenics and global depopulation. Firstly I had to look up the word “Philanthropic” because I thought it meant something quite different. You say the world is growing in population and your vaccines and sterilisation programs could really depopulate those who, as you … Continue reading Bill Gates: Control, Alt, Delete

A cartoon of a man brushing his teeth with lots of foam. By Oddball Times

Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes

Thanks to Colgate’s ever-expanding range of toothpastes, I find myself furiously brushing my teeth from around 5:00am all the way to 8:00am. I begin brushing with Colgate Max Fresh Intense Foam because I enjoy the sensation of “intensely foamy” toothpaste. Of course I want my teeth to be healthy, so I follow this with Colgate Enamel Strength, Colgate Maximum Cavity Protection, Colgate Total Pro Gum … Continue reading Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes