Freedom Day didn’t happen on 21st June, it was delayed until 19th July, but never mind. With a week to go, I can’t wait for all the freedom we’ll be given: Free to walk without the 2 metre restriction Free to keep my hands filthy Free to slap the helmet off a policeman Free to burgle my local bank Free to rape, kill, commit mass … Continue reading Freedom Day: Not To Be Confused With Actual Freedom
Come on now, all you hesitant people, why are you all scared of getting the COVID vaccine? I’m raring to get out of my house and back to my 2 hour commute to work. I can’t wait not to tell a waiter that my salad had a hair in it and that the glass had the last customer’s lipstick on it. I’m chomping at the … Continue reading Covid Schmovid: Getting Back To The Old Normal
After hearing the recent news about Xmas 2020 celebrations here in the UK, you might be thinking to yourself “why is the government allowing a three-house bubble during Christmas?”. Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and Jews didn’t get to extend their “bubble” during their festivals so what’s so special about this Christian holiday? With the Coronavirus in full infectious swing, what’s going to stop our family and … Continue reading Looking Closely At The Coronavirus: Why Christmas Rules Are So Different
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me… Reeemiiix! Vinyl rewind sound effect followed by the sound of air-horns and a Funk Flex exploding bomb… Continue reading Twelve Days Of Christmas: The Coronavirus Remix
Christmas is always an exciting time and this year will be one of a kind. You’ve had a smashing year so far with five months off school. Even when you’ve had to go back, you can sit on your own instead of sharing with some dickhead your mum paired you up with when you were 2 and he’s now stuck to you like shit to … Continue reading Have A Merry COVID Christmas And A Happy New Vaccinated Year!
It’s great being an out of work graphic designer. You’re free to create designs nobody asked for as you cry into your egg yolk-stained onesie. Speaking of eggs, here’s an advert for some posh chicken period ovoids I found in the shop… Continue reading The Inner Workings Of A Designer’s Mind: My Eggs Have Scrambled
What will you be doing this Halloween? You can’t go out with your 5 friends to trick or treat your neighbours, unless you live in a group home. You’ll have to go on your own or walk 2 metres away from your friend like a depressing zombie movie. At least you can throw toilet rolls and eggs at your neighbours, but they will probably open … Continue reading Tales From The Creepy COVID Crypt: A 2020 Halloween Special
Covid-forbid you don’t have a smartphone or television. If you’re a technophobe who purchases goods in physical stores, you’ll probably be unaware that on July 24th, face masks will become mandatory in … Continue reading Coronavirus Contradictions: Compulsory Masks Meet Compulsive Buyers
Having read the government’s statement about certain people being asked to continue working whilst the rest of us stay at home (due to this pesky joint US/Chinese lab-rat-bat virus pandemic) I felt very happy. Without divulging my methods, I recently “happened upon” my neighbour’s shed key in order to “borrow” his lawnmower and so I used my one-hour allocated exercise period to take it to … Continue reading The Key Cutting Caper: How Key Workers Ruined My Pandemic Pilferage
In this difficult time, spare a thought for all the right-wing Islamophobes out there. After railing against halal meat and burkas for two decades, gammon across the nation now find themselves in a bit of a pickle. Since traditional supermarket shelves are being emptied by panic buyers, the only place to buy food is at their local Asian mini-marts. After swallowing their pride and donning … Continue reading Confusing Times For Gammon: Inadvertent Self-Hatred Amidst The Coronavirus
After a flurry of panic buying and hoarding, supermarkets across Britain have put limits into place. Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Asda have all put a three-product limit on various grocery items but what about other retailers? I haven’t heard anything on the news about Fortnum & Mason. Can I only purchase three tins of Baerii Caviar? It’s only an “entry level caviar” and at £55.00 per … Continue reading We Have Our Limits: COVID-19 Panic Buying Affecting All Establishments
I love this stuff that falls from above, As light as air and as white as a dove. It covers the house, the car, the ground, Without so much as making a sound. I love this cold stuff, I’m such a fan, I can mould it to make a chubby little man. I can turn it into balls, bricks, a number of things, I … Continue reading Snow Delay: A British Christmas Tradition
Kids played freely in the street Eating Spam instead of meat Back when you could leave your front door unlocked Gossiping over the garden fence You could buy a week’s shopping with half-a-pence Back when you could leave your front door unlocked You knew the name of the people next door All cosy in the shelter during the war Back when you could … Continue reading Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked
I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property. I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it … Continue reading My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition
After eating an entire packet of Nerds, two packets of popping candy, and spending a whopping four minutes on the internet, I’ve discovered the following about Halloween and its origins… Pumpkin Carving: This tradition dates back to Britain when a 3 year old boy named Sam Hain decided that he hated eating his vegetables, in particular pumpkins, and took his revenge by removing the insides … Continue reading May Contain Nutjobs: The Origins Of Halloween
Is it just me, or is Oral-B’s tagline not aspirational at all? Continue reading On The Advertising Game: How Much For An Oral-B?
Every time there’s a school shooting, politicians, pundits, and members of the public question what we should change… Maybe we should arm the teachers? Err… no, imagine your worst P.E. teacher with a Glock? Terrible idea. Okay, so maybe we should place body scanners in all schools? Err… no, imagine all the nonce security guards salivating over the student’s body outline. There have also been … Continue reading From Swots to SWAT: The Obvious Solution To Prevent School Shootings
Whilst watching breakfast television I’m always intrigued by their health segments and over the last few months I’ve heard quite a few health-based stories. According to scientists, red wine contains antioxidants and cider contains vitamin C. Research has also found that whiskey aids weight loss and may also help heart health. Cognac which is sometimes called “the healing drink” also benefits the heart, Tequila lowers … Continue reading What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol
I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges… brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found lots; hammers, knives, an axe, a chainsaw, a cricket bat. … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
New legislation has come into effect today and it will affect all those people who object to women breastfeeding their babies in public places including restaurants and cafes. Starting from today, anybody who complains to members of staff about witnessing breast milk being fed to a baby will also not be allowed to order or consume anything containing milk. To make things clear; that’s no … Continue reading Oh Dairy, Dairy Me: New Breastfeeding Solidarity Laws
Have It Your Way… If I really had it my way, I wouldn’t put every single one of these restaurants in the worst part of town where I definitely have to use the drive through, making sure my car doors are locked to avoid having to spend the afternoon at the police station looking at mug shots. I’m Lovin’ It… When I have to shout … Continue reading Fast Food Slogans: Catchy Tag Lines, Horrible Truth
If you don’t already know, the “Winnie Mandela Effect” was named by paranormal expert Fiona Dustpan when she first realised that she wasn’t the only person who wrongly believed Winnie Mandela spontaneously combusted in the 1990s. Dustpan insists that she remembers the media coverage of this event, she says that she vividly recalls video footage of Winnie exploding. Fiona then started the website winniemandelaspontaneouslycombusted.con and … Continue reading The Mandela Effect: Proof That The Winnie Mandela Effect Is Real
Hey Bill, I have a brilliant idea and I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to hear it. I listened avidly to your speeches supporting eugenics and global depopulation. Firstly I had to look up the word “Philanthropic” because I thought it meant something quite different. You say the world is growing in population and your vaccines and sterilisation programs could really depopulate those who, as you … Continue reading Bill Gates: Control, Alt, Delete
Thanks to Colgate’s ever-expanding range of toothpastes, I find myself furiously brushing my teeth from around 5:00am all the way to 8:00am. I begin brushing with Colgate Max Fresh Intense Foam because I enjoy the sensation of “intensely foamy” toothpaste. Of course I want my teeth to be healthy, so I follow this with Colgate Enamel Strength, Colgate Maximum Cavity Protection, Colgate Total Pro Gum … Continue reading Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes
Oddball Times 