Freedom Day didn’t happen on 21st June, it was delayed until 19th July, but never mind. With a week to go, I can’t wait for all the freedom we’ll be given: Free to walk without the 2 metre restriction Free to keep my hands filthy Free to slap the helmet off a policeman Free to burgle my local bank Free to rape, kill, commit mass … Continue reading Freedom Day: Not To Be Confused With Actual Freedom
After hearing the recent news about Xmas 2020 celebrations here in the UK, you might be thinking to yourself “why is the government allowing a three-house bubble during Christmas?”. Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and Jews didn’t get to extend their “bubble” during their festivals so what’s so special about this Christian holiday? With the Coronavirus in full infectious swing, what’s going to stop our family and … Continue reading Looking Closely At The Coronavirus: Why Christmas Rules Are So Different
After a flurry of panic buying and hoarding, supermarkets across Britain have put limits into place. Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Asda have all put a three-product limit on various grocery items but what about other retailers? I haven’t heard anything on the news about Fortnum & Mason. Can I only purchase three tins of Baerii Caviar? It’s only an “entry level caviar” and at £55.00 per … Continue reading We Have Our Limits: COVID-19 Panic Buying Affecting All Establishments
Operation Yellowhammer, a contingency plan subtitled “Reasonable Worst Case Planning Assumptions”, has been cooked-up by the government in case of a “No Deal” Brexit. If that occurs, the folks in charge predict there’ll be medication shortages, food supply problems, and protests in the streets. Operation Yellowhammer, if you didn’t know, involves 90’s “rapper” MC Hammer using his harem hammer pants to smuggle much needed medical … Continue reading Operation Yellowhammer: Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
Choices, choices… who will become leader? Continue reading A Bit Of Bluey: The Tory Leadership Race
After hearing the news that the old Emperor would be abdicating and the new Emperor would be succeeding him in May, I went half way across the globe to see the preparations for the great ceremony. I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t keen on the last Emperor, what with the double life, the destroying of the Jedi Order and being an all-round menace. As … Continue reading A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace
Once it was officially announced that Prince Harry was to marry Meghan Markle, prejudiced celebs around the world rejoiced! Surely they too could replicate this media-savvy tactic? Apparently one Meghan Markle cancels out one Nazi costume and a few racial slurs, and once a wedding ring is screwed firmly onto that mixed-raced American’s finger, nobody will ever recall those “Paki” and “Raghead” comments that Harry … Continue reading Prince Harry To Marry: How To Nuptially Offset And Omit Racism From History
Harvey Weinstein sitting atop the Hollywood Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G (plus harassment, sexual assault, and rape, allegedly) Everyone on the lower branches gave him way too many chances They ignored or covered up his unwanted sexual advances This was something actresses had to get used ta All ’cause he was a hot shot producer What that means folks, is he had the power To fill the cinema … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein: Big Pimping
From flying a plane into a building, to ramming a truck into a crowd of people, to driving a car toward some policemen, it’s plain to see that terrorism is slowly waining from its grandiose, post-millennial spectacle. With terrorism now taking the form of a road vehicle rather than an aircraft, or a knife rather than a bomb, will international terrorism continue in this downward … Continue reading Terrorism’s Decline: A Prediction Of Future Terror
An eclipse, like the one occurring today, always draws in large crowds. People seem to marvel at the rare sight of the sun being obscured by the moon or the moon moving behind the earth’s shadow. But, when you’re gazing at this natural wonder today, spare a thought for all the lycanthropes out there. Since their appearance is controlled by the moon, during an eclipse … Continue reading An Eclipse: Fun For Humans, Not So Fun For Werewolves
The recent news that energy prices are increasing yet again has lead to feelings of anger which luckily can now be harnessed to power our electronic devices! By wearing this new anger-powered device known as the Stresslectro you can convert your loathing, anger, stress, and despair into electricity. This electricity can then be used to power devices such as your smartphone and energy companies like … Continue reading Energy Price Hikes: Harnessing The Power
