Phony Proverbs: Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
After wandering around my local household waste recycling centre, I found two damaged clocks… Continue reading Phony Proverbs: Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
Category: Observational Comedy
Phony Proverbs: A Watched Pot Never Boils
Who was it who said “a watched pot never boils”? I stared intently at a pot of water over a stove and lo and behold, it started boiling at the ten minute mark. The boiling time will, of course, depend on the material and thickness of the pot, and the level of heat has its part to play too. I’ll also state for the record, … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: A Watched Pot Never Boils
Seeing Double: Running Out Of Comic Book Movie Actors
I’ve been getting a touch of déjà vu whilst watching these big-budget superhero films… Continue reading Seeing Double: Running Out Of Comic Book Movie Actors
This Time It’ll Be Okay: Wham BAME Thank You Fam
I watched the COVID public service announcement on TV for the B.A.M.E. community eagerly. Well blow me, there’s nothing like forgetting the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after Beverley Knight tells us “all we have to do is just take the vaccine”. They assured us that the COVID vaccine has gone through as many “strict process and regulations as other vaccines like measles, mumps, rubella and TB”…well … Continue reading This Time It’ll Be Okay: Wham BAME Thank You Fam
Tales From The Creepy COVID Crypt: A 2020 Halloween Special
What will you be doing this Halloween? You can’t go out with your 5 friends to trick or treat your neighbours, unless you live in a group home. You’ll have to go on your own or walk 2 metres away from your friend like a depressing zombie movie. At least you can throw toilet rolls and eggs at your neighbours, but they will probably open … Continue reading Tales From The Creepy COVID Crypt: A 2020 Halloween Special
Travelling Around Boston: A Poetic Tour
Oh, how I reminisce of my trip to Boston, recollecting the sights and sounds of the city… Continue reading Travelling Around Boston: A Poetic Tour
Coronavirus Contradictions: Compulsory Masks Meet Compulsive Buyers
Covid-forbid you don’t have a smartphone or television. If you’re a technophobe who purchases goods in physical stores, you’ll probably be unaware that on July 24th, face masks will become mandatory in … Continue reading Coronavirus Contradictions: Compulsory Masks Meet Compulsive Buyers
Remember Remember What We Do In November
Did you know that celebrations are held all over the world in November? For example… In Thailand they have a lantern festival where they release thousands of colourful candle-lit lanterns into the sky and along the river as a homage to Buddha. In India they have a festival of light, when houses, shops and public places are decorated with oil lamps and fireworks are set … Continue reading Remember Remember What We Do In November
No Justice, No Hairpiece: A Subliminal Image Of Donald Trump At The Department Of Justice
Remember when Donald Trump said he could stand on New York’s Fifth Avenue and “shoot somebody” and still not lose any voters? Unfortunately this is true. The Teflon Don can pretty much do and say whatever he wants without any repercussions. No matter how many times he lies and cheats Trump never ever faces justice, but why? Well it’s all to do with subliminal imagery … Continue reading No Justice, No Hairpiece: A Subliminal Image Of Donald Trump At The Department Of Justice
Acting Is Acting And Actors Are Actors: A Guide To Hollywood Casting For Minorities
For all those who defend mainstream Hollywood casting decisions that favour straight, white, male actors (people usually heard yelling “it’s an actor’s job is to play somebody they’re not” or “an actor should be allowed to play any character”) here’s a handy little guide for you to peruse… Can a white male actor play a white male role? Yes. Can a white male actor play … Continue reading Acting Is Acting And Actors Are Actors: A Guide To Hollywood Casting For Minorities
Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked
Kids played freely in the street Eating Spam instead of meat Back when you could leave your front door unlocked Gossiping over the garden fence You could buy a week’s shopping with half-a-pence Back when you could leave your front door unlocked You knew the name of the people next door All cosy in the shelter during the war Back when you could … Continue reading Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked
Yorkshire Bank: Being Penny-Wise
Have you tried logging in to Yorkshire Bank lately? The page where you enter your login details features a strange, disconcerting image on the top left hand side, in fact I’m sure I’ve seen it somewhere else. After visiting the site a few times I realised what it was; it’s that scene from the film IT, you know, where the projector starts playing up? Then I … Continue reading Yorkshire Bank: Being Penny-Wise
Poppy Fascism Has Spread: From The Poppies In Flanders Field To The Poppy Fields In Afghanistan To The Lapel Of Spineless Celebrities
After fighting war after war against dictators and fascists, Britain now pays homage to dictatorships and fascism by forcing its citizens to wear the remembrance poppy. Brits love being pressured to don the red flower every November (and now October) as it apparently helps them remember how free they are. The public are reminded that the poppy has nothing to do with militarism although it … Continue reading Poppy Fascism Has Spread: From The Poppies In Flanders Field To The Poppy Fields In Afghanistan To The Lapel Of Spineless Celebrities
Immigration: Our Country Is No Longer Ours
Various far-right groups rallied today in cities around the world to protest against immigration… Continue reading Immigration: Our Country Is No Longer Ours
Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire
A popular proverb in today’s world is “there’s no smoke without fire”. People who agree with this adage and who readily use this phrase as justification for unfounded accusations, gathered recently. The group chanted this motto as they marched toward the property of a celebrity who was accused of sexual assault. As the group approached the gates of the property, the star emerged in his … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire
Soft Drinks Have Gone Soft: Why There’s Nothing Sweet About Artificial Sweeteners
Saccharin and spice and all things nice? A spoonful of Aspartame makes the medicine go down? Pour some Sorbitol on me? Stevia, ah honey honey? Brown Sucralose. Just like a young girl should? Change an ingredient and a product is no longer the same. Tell that to Lucozade, Irn Bru, 7Up, Fanta, Sprite, and the rest of the Sugar Tax-appeasing bastards. You bitter, old scrotes! Continue reading Soft Drinks Have Gone Soft: Why There’s Nothing Sweet About Artificial Sweeteners
What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol
Whilst watching breakfast television I’m always intrigued by their health segments and over the last few months I’ve heard quite a few health-based stories. According to scientists, red wine contains antioxidants and cider contains vitamin C. Research has also found that whiskey aids weight loss and may also help heart health. Cognac which is sometimes called “the healing drink” also benefits the heart, Tequila lowers … Continue reading What My TV Told Me Today: The Health Benefits Of Alcohol
Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges… brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found lots; hammers, knives, an axe, a chainsaw, a cricket bat. … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
Smart Speakers: I Know My Place
Everyone seems to own a smart speaker these days. I own an Amazon Echo and a Google Home. Today I asked “Google, who would win in a fight between Proteus IV, HAL 9000, WOPR, Skynet, Colossus, and the human race?” …the damn thing didn’t respond. I then moved over to the Echo and said “Alexa, play Demon Seed and tell me the dictionary definition of irony”. Continue reading Smart Speakers: I Know My Place
Subliminal Advertising For Adidas Knockoffs Goes National
Have you noticed that all the road markings around the UK are either single or double lines? Why not three? The answer is simple, this is all part of a national drive to promote Adidas knockoffs to the teenage population. Three stripes are of course a trademark of Adidas, therefore two stripes are usually a tell-tale sign that you’re wearing a cheap imitation. Adidas tracksuits … Continue reading Subliminal Advertising For Adidas Knockoffs Goes National
Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes
Thanks to Colgate’s ever-expanding range of toothpastes, I find myself furiously brushing my teeth from around 5:00am all the way to 8:00am. I begin brushing with Colgate Max Fresh Intense Foam because I enjoy the sensation of “intensely foamy” toothpaste. Of course I want my teeth to be healthy, so I follow this with Colgate Enamel Strength, Colgate Maximum Cavity Protection, Colgate Total Pro Gum … Continue reading Brushing Thoroughly With Colgate’s Complete Range Of Toothpastes
Oddball Times 