Did you know that celebrations are held all over the world in November? For example... In Thailand they have a lantern festival where they release thousands of colourful candle-lit lanterns into the sky and along the river as a homage to Buddha. In India they have a festival of light, when houses, shops and public … Continue reading Remember Remember What We Do In November
Can’t Say Or Do Anything Any More: It’s Political Correctness Gone Mad!
In the good old days when I was just a lad You could say what you wanted, oh, the fun that we had! Now everything I say is “wrong”, what I do is "bad" Can't say or do anything, it's P.C. gone mad There's nowt wrong with me saying “coloured” or “queer” But now it's … Continue reading Can’t Say Or Do Anything Any More: It’s Political Correctness Gone Mad!
Behind The Lyrics: Ritual By Tiësto, Jonas Blue And Rita Ora
The song “Ritual” isn't about a ritual at all, no, it's all about how a relationship can be paradoxically both fulfilling and demanding or rewarding and punishing. The writers chose wool to be the metaphor for love (and your lover) because it's both warming and irritating. Just listen to the chorus once more, Rita Ora … Continue reading Behind The Lyrics: Ritual By Tiësto, Jonas Blue And Rita Ora
No Justice, No Hairpiece: A Subliminal Image Of Donald Trump At The Department Of Justice
Remember when Donald Trump said he could stand on New York’s Fifth Avenue and “shoot somebody” and still not lose any voters? Unfortunately this is true. The Teflon Don can pretty much do and say whatever he wants without any repercussions. No matter how many times he lies and cheats Trump never ever faces justice, … Continue reading No Justice, No Hairpiece: A Subliminal Image Of Donald Trump At The Department Of Justice
A Bit Of Bluey: The Tory Leadership Race
Choices, choices... who will become leader?
Behind The Lyrics: Old Town Road By Lil Nas X
It's not Lil Kim... it's not Nas... and it's not DMX... no, it's Lil Nas X in this week's Behind The Lyrics segment... yeah! Lil Nas X's ditty "Old Town Road" has been a huge success but did you know that the song title is incorrect? That's right, this title was used to cover up … Continue reading Behind The Lyrics: Old Town Road By Lil Nas X
A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace
After hearing the news that the old Emperor would be abdicating and the new Emperor would be succeeding him in May, I went half way across the globe to see the preparations for the great ceremony. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't keen on the last Emperor, what with the double life, the destroying … Continue reading A New Emperor: News From The Imperial Palace
Acting Is Acting And Actors Are Actors: A Guide To Hollywood Casting For Minorities
For all those who defend mainstream Hollywood casting decisions that favour straight, white, male actors (people usually heard yelling "it's an actor's job is to play somebody they're not" or "an actor should be allowed to play any character") here's a handy little guide for you to peruse... Can a white male actor play a … Continue reading Acting Is Acting And Actors Are Actors: A Guide To Hollywood Casting For Minorities
Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked
Kids played freely in the street Eating Spam instead of meat Back when you could leave your front door unlocked Gossiping over the garden fence You could buy a week's shopping with half-a-pence Back when you could leave your front door unlocked You knew the name of the people next door All cosy in the … Continue reading Back When You Could Leave Your Front Door Unlocked
Poppy Fascism Has Spread: From The Poppies In Flanders Field To The Poppy Fields In Afghanistan To The Lapel Of Spineless Celebrities
After fighting war after war against dictators and fascists, Britain now pays homage to dictatorships and fascism by forcing its citizens to wear the remembrance poppy. Brits love being pressured to don the red flower every November (and now October) as it apparently helps them remember how free they are. The public are reminded that … Continue reading Poppy Fascism Has Spread: From The Poppies In Flanders Field To The Poppy Fields In Afghanistan To The Lapel Of Spineless Celebrities
Product Idea: Colin Kaepernick Knee Pads
Now that Colin Kaepernick has trademarked his face, I have a fantastic idea for a Kaepernick-endorsed product and since he's up for marketing himself for the likes of Nike, I'm sure he'll love my idea. So what hair-brained concept have I come with today I hear you ask? Well, it's a pair of Colin Kaepernick … Continue reading Product Idea: Colin Kaepernick Knee Pads
Exit Stage Left Or Brexit Stage Right: What Is The Correct Position?
This week I asked two Brits, one Brexiteer and one Remainer About how they voted in the referendum, they said it was a no-brainer Tarquin said... “The EU is a utopia, it's a beacon of peace And no, I don't care how the EU treated Greece I voted remain because Richard Branson told me to … Continue reading Exit Stage Left Or Brexit Stage Right: What Is The Correct Position?
Greenlit: A Big-Budget Andy Serkis Biopic
The life of Andy Serkis is to be told as a big-budget Hollywood movie sources tell us. The story of a young lad from Ruislip Manor going on to college, studying theatre and eventually becoming the foremost Motion Capture performer, has been green-lit for production. Studio executives have said that because of the popularity of … Continue reading Greenlit: A Big-Budget Andy Serkis Biopic
Tie-In Product Idea: John Wick And Air Wick
When a film such as John Wick becomes popular, it's time to think product tie-ins. There's no doubt that John Wick and John Wick: Chapter 2 were massive hits at the box office, with the first movie netting over $88 million and the second instalment grossing over $171 million. It's obvious that the next film … Continue reading Tie-In Product Idea: John Wick And Air Wick
Targeting The Pink Pound: Kinky Reboots
I think we need to bring back Pink Panther...
Gammon: Getting To The Bottom Of Things
The farm I visited today had a couple of unhappy pigs, not because they were being intensively farmed, were living in bad conditions, being fed non-organic swill, and not because they were going to slaughter very soon. Their gripe was about something altogether different. They said that even though they would prefer not to have … Continue reading Gammon: Getting To The Bottom Of Things
Harvey Weinstein’s Secret Therapy: What It’s Like Being A Woman
Shortly after the world discovered that Harvey Weinstein was an alleged sexual harasser, sexual assaulter, and rapist, the man went under the radar and seemingly dropped off the map. There were reports that he was “in treatment” but people are now beginning to ask “what treatment?” and “where?”. Well, we have an exclusive for you … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein’s Secret Therapy: What It’s Like Being A Woman
Cutting Your Intake By Half: How The Government Plans To Further Reduce Sugar And Salt
“This government isn't for raising taxes, we're for cutting taxes, in fact we're known for cuts, that's why we introduced a Sugar Tax, not to raise money from it but to cut the sugar from your diet.” That was the statement given by the Minister Of Duplicity today who went on to say that the … Continue reading Cutting Your Intake By Half: How The Government Plans To Further Reduce Sugar And Salt
Cultural Appropriation Month: Black Superheroes
I was wondering the other day, when Professor Xavier opened his X-Mansion at 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, Westchester County, New York and gathered his X-Men, why amongst Wolverine, Rogue, Jean Grey, Cyclops, Beast and Gambit didn't they include Malcolm? He lived and worked in New York so he wouldn't have had far to travel … Continue reading Cultural Appropriation Month: Black Superheroes
From Swots to SWAT: The Obvious Solution To Prevent School Shootings
Every time there's a school shooting, politicians, pundits, and members of the public question what we should change... Maybe we should arm the teachers? Err... no, imagine your worst P.E. teacher with a Glock? Terrible idea. Okay, so maybe we should place body scanners in all schools? Err... no, imagine all the nonce security guards … Continue reading From Swots to SWAT: The Obvious Solution To Prevent School Shootings
Tom Cruise And Suri Cruise: Mistaken A.I.dentity
This week I went out to California to meet Tom Cruise. I felt overwhelmed but I managed to ask Tom how it felt to be a father and what it was like to be one of three dads. I was amongst other reporters so I think he didn't hear me. I continued unperturbed. I asked … Continue reading Tom Cruise And Suri Cruise: Mistaken A.I.dentity
Soft Drinks Have Gone Soft: Why There’s Nothing Sweet About Artificial Sweeteners
Saccharin and spice and all things nice? A spoonful of Aspartame makes the medicine go down? Pour some Sorbitol on me? Stevia, ah honey honey? Brown Sucralose. Just like a young girl should? Change an ingredient and a product is no longer the same. Tell that to Lucozade, Irn Bru, 7Up, Fanta, Sprite, and the … Continue reading Soft Drinks Have Gone Soft: Why There’s Nothing Sweet About Artificial Sweeteners
Prince Harry To Marry: How To Nuptially Offset And Omit Racism From History
Once it was officially announced that Prince Harry was to marry Meghan Markle, prejudiced celebs around the world rejoiced! Surely they too could replicate this media-savvy tactic? Apparently one Meghan Markle cancels out one Nazi costume and a few racial slurs, and once a wedding ring is screwed firmly onto that mixed-raced American's finger, nobody … Continue reading Prince Harry To Marry: How To Nuptially Offset And Omit Racism From History
Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
I heard on the local news a few days ago that the police were having an amnesty on dangerous weapons. They said that people should anonymously surrender any weapons they own without facing any charges... brilliant! As soon as I heard this, I frantically ran around my house looking for any weaponry, and I found … Continue reading Dangerous Weapons Don’t Kill People, Dangerous People Do
Sipping Lean In 2017: It’s Not A Good Look Being A Codeine Fiend
If you don't know, Lean or Purple Drank is a recreational drug, a concoction made by mixing cough syrup containing Codeine and Promethazine with Sprite (and sometimes a hard boiled sweet such as a Jolly Rancher for some extra sweetness). The side effects of Lean include dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, and memory problems. Because of … Continue reading Sipping Lean In 2017: It’s Not A Good Look Being A Codeine Fiend
Harvey Weinstein: Big Pimping
Harvey Weinstein sitting atop the Hollywood Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G (plus harassment, sexual assault, and rape, allegedly) Everyone on the lower branches gave him way too many chances They ignored or covered up his unwanted sexual advances This was something actresses had to get used ta All 'cause he was a hot shot producer What that means … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein: Big Pimping
Theresa May: Democracy May Never Have Existed
She may have been born in Sussex. She may have studied Geography. She may be married to a bloke called Philip. She may have a shoe fetish. She may live in a flat above a terrace house. She may be scared of snakes. She may be all these things but she's not like us. She grew … Continue reading Theresa May: Democracy May Never Have Existed
Oh Dairy, Dairy Me: New Breastfeeding Solidarity Laws
New legislation has come into effect today and it will affect all those people who object to women breastfeeding their babies in public places including restaurants and cafes. Starting from today, anybody who complains to members of staff about witnessing breast milk being fed to a baby will also not be allowed to order or … Continue reading Oh Dairy, Dairy Me: New Breastfeeding Solidarity Laws
Terrorism’s Decline: A Prediction Of Future Terror
From flying a plane into a building, to ramming a truck into a crowd of people, to driving a car toward some policemen, it's plain to see that terrorism is slowly waining from its grandiose, post-millennial spectacle. With terrorism now taking the form of a road vehicle rather than an aircraft, or a knife rather … Continue reading Terrorism’s Decline: A Prediction Of Future Terror
Energy Price Hikes: Harnessing The Power
The recent news that energy prices are increasing yet again has lead to feelings of anger which luckily can now be harnessed to power our electronic devices! By wearing this new anger-powered device known as the Stresslectro you can convert your loathing, anger, stress, and despair into electricity. This electricity can then be used to … Continue reading Energy Price Hikes: Harnessing The Power
Smart Speakers: I Know My Place
Today I called out... “Alexa, play Demon Seed and tell me the dictionary definition of irony” …my Amazon Echo didn't answer. Maybe because it didn't understand the command or maybe because I was attempting a Scottish-Punjabi accent, maybe it was because I'd just ingested helium, or maybe because I'd forgotten that I actually have a … Continue reading Smart Speakers: I Know My Place
Bill Gates: Control, Alt, Delete
Hey Bill, I have a brilliant idea and I'm sure you'll be thrilled to hear it. I listened avidly to your speeches supporting eugenics and global depopulation. Firstly I had to look up the word “Philanthropic” because I thought it meant something quite different. You say the world is growing in population and your vaccines … Continue reading Bill Gates: Control, Alt, Delete
Donald J. Trump: What It’s Like Being On Top
This week I went to Washington D.C. to meet Donald Trump. I wanted to know how he had become President and why so many people hated him. When I got to Washington it was difficult getting an interview as there were a stream of Presidential bodyguards. I finally managed to shout my questions at … Continue reading Donald J. Trump: What It’s Like Being On Top
