BBQ season is well and truly over but I’ll be honest with you folks, I wasn’t overwhelmed by the level of taste in the condiments on offer, in particular mayonnaise. I’ve decided that next year I’ll stun my friends by holding a BBQ with the ultimate mayo! My plan was to go to the best minds in this field and get them to prepare the … Continue reading Ayo Mayo Clinic: Word On The Street Is You Got The World’s Greatest Mayonnaise
The pioneer takes the greatest risk. Continue reading The First Motorway Roadchef: From Hospitality To The Hospital
Freedom Day didn’t happen on 21st June, it was delayed until 19th July, but never mind. With a week to go, I can’t wait for all the freedom we’ll be given: Free to walk without the 2 metre restriction Free to keep my hands filthy Free to slap the helmet off a policeman Free to burgle my local bank Free to rape, kill, commit mass … Continue reading Freedom Day: Not To Be Confused With Actual Freedom
Look out folks! There’s a racist sentient cooking pot lurking about somewhere, a pot who gets off on bullying kettles. In this pot’s outdated mind, being “black” is apparently a bad thing, but wait, reports are coming in that this pot is itself black! What a nerve. So that means it’s a self-hating, sentient cooking pot who teases kettles, kettles which are mostly stainless steel … Continue reading Outdated Idioms: Pot Calling The Kettle Black
Come on now, all you hesitant people, why are you all scared of getting the COVID vaccine? I’m raring to get out of my house and back to my 2 hour commute to work. I can’t wait not to tell a waiter that my salad had a hair in it and that the glass had the last customer’s lipstick on it. I’m chomping at the … Continue reading Covid Schmovid: Getting Back To The Old Normal
I watched the COVID public service announcement on TV for the B.A.M.E. community eagerly. Well blow me, there’s nothing like forgetting the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after Beverley Knight tells us “all we have to do is just take the vaccine”. They assured us that the COVID vaccine has gone through as many “strict process and regulations as other vaccines like measles, mumps, rubella and TB”…well … Continue reading This Time It’ll Be Okay: Wham BAME Thank You Fam
If you’re a socialist you might get a sacking but if you’re a Tory you’ll get my backing. Continue reading I Don’t Want Any Drama: The Life And Times Of Keir Starmer
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me… Reeemiiix! Vinyl rewind sound effect followed by the sound of air-horns and a Funk Flex exploding bomb… Continue reading Twelve Days Of Christmas: The Coronavirus Remix
What will you be doing this Halloween? You can’t go out with your 5 friends to trick or treat your neighbours, unless you live in a group home. You’ll have to go on your own or walk 2 metres away from your friend like a depressing zombie movie. At least you can throw toilet rolls and eggs at your neighbours, but they will probably open … Continue reading Tales From The Creepy COVID Crypt: A 2020 Halloween Special
Oh, how I reminisce of my trip to Boston, recollecting the sights and sounds of the city… Continue reading Travelling Around Boston: A Poetic Tour
Covid-forbid you don’t have a smartphone or television. If you’re a technophobe who purchases goods in physical stores, you’ll probably be unaware that on July 24th, face masks will become mandatory in … Continue reading Coronavirus Contradictions: Compulsory Masks Meet Compulsive Buyers
As I do each year, I woke up to sun hitting my face. I love this time of year, the end of hibernation means I can get out and about, meet friends and enjoy the fresh air. Today I looked out and saw a wonderfully sunny day and I thought “right, that’s it, what I need right now is a stroll in the sun to … Continue reading Hogging It All: The Life Of A Hedgehog Amidst The Coronavirus Pandemic
In this difficult time, spare a thought for all the right-wing Islamophobes out there. After railing against halal meat and burkas for two decades, gammon across the nation now find themselves in a bit of a pickle. Since traditional supermarket shelves are being emptied by panic buyers, the only place to buy food is at their local Asian mini-marts. After swallowing their pride and donning … Continue reading Confusing Times For Gammon: Inadvertent Self-Hatred Amidst The Coronavirus
Did you know that celebrations are held all over the world in November? For example… In Thailand they have a lantern festival where they release thousands of colourful candle-lit lanterns into the sky and along the river as a homage to Buddha. In India they have a festival of light, when houses, shops and public places are decorated with oil lamps and fireworks are set … Continue reading Remember Remember What We Do In November
Hi there! I was listening to some music in the summer heat and I remembered the time when everyone said that Michael Jackson was Bad. These unfounded accusations went on and on and there were millions of people shouting the same thing. They were chasing Michael down the street screaming and crying whilst his chauffeur did his best to get him away without mowing people … Continue reading Review Rewind: Bad By Michael Jackson
In the good old days when I was just a lad, You could say what you wanted, oh, the fun that we had! Now everything I say is “wrong”, what I do is “bad”, Can’t say or do anything, it’s P.C. gone mad. There’s nowt wrong with me saying “coloured” or “queer”, But now it’s “keep quiet or the coloured queers ‘ll hear”. When … Continue reading Can’t Say Or Do Anything Any More: It’s Political Correctness Gone Mad!
Remember when Donald Trump said he could stand on New York’s Fifth Avenue and “shoot somebody” and still not lose any voters? Unfortunately this is true. The Teflon Don can pretty much do and say whatever he wants without any repercussions. No matter how many times he lies and cheats Trump never ever faces justice, but why? Well it’s all to do with subliminal imagery … Continue reading No Justice, No Hairpiece: A Subliminal Image Of Donald Trump At The Department Of Justice
So folks, I have a treat for you all because I’m reviewing a two Grammy, three American Music Award, one Brit, one Oscar winner that went Platinum 13 times… Purple Rain by Prince And The Revolution (because making bell bottom trousers and high heels look sexy on a man was quite revolutionary). The first song, “Let’s Go Crazy” is, I think, a nod to a … Continue reading Review Rewind: Purple Rain By Prince
Hello folks, its me again. This time I’ve found a great new band called Genesis. Judging by the group’s name I think they’re a Christian outfit. I’m reviewing a little known album by them called “Invisible Touch” which also happens to be the title of the first song. It’s a real toe tapper. It’s about a female cyborg who can perform non-invasive heart massages to … Continue reading Review Rewind: Invisible Touch By Genesis
I recently subscribed to Spotify and of course I want to get my money’s worth. So my genius idea is to start an album review section here at Oddball Times for the most unusual, unheard and underground music. So hold onto your ears folks and here goes… This month I came across an album called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I love it’s colourful … Continue reading Review Rewind: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles
I made a trip up North and drove to Paisley in Scotland this week. I was looking forward to seeing the colourful people, the see-saw and the pier that I’d heard so much about. To my disappointment, I found Robertson Park, Kelvingrove Park, Barshaw Park, and although they were all very lovely they weren’t what I was looking for. I even found Pollok Estate and … Continue reading Prince: Telling Little Purple Lies
I am lucky enough to have a substantial garden inherited from my first wife Audrey. This allows me to choose my desired tree from within my own property. I use my newly-acquired 500W Scorpion Handsaw to chop down the magnificent tree. I then tie the branches with 4mm strong utility nylon rope to make sure I have enough purchase on the tree to move it … Continue reading My Annual Tree: A Christmas Tradition
After eating an entire packet of Nerds, two packets of popping candy, and spending a whopping four minutes on the internet, I’ve discovered the following about Halloween and its origins… Pumpkin Carving: This tradition dates back to Britain when a 3 year old boy named Sam Hain decided that he hated eating his vegetables, in particular pumpkins, and took his revenge by removing the insides … Continue reading May Contain Nutjobs: The Origins Of Halloween
Is it just me, or is Oral-B’s tagline not aspirational at all? Continue reading On The Advertising Game: How Much For An Oral-B?
Today I thought I’d give Absolute Radio a go … Continue reading 80s & 90s Radio: Absolutely Not What I Was Listening To!
This week I asked two Brits, one Brexiteer and one Remainer About how they voted in the referendum, they said it was a no-brainer Tarquin said… “The EU is a utopia, it’s a beacon of peace And no, I don’t care how the EU treated Greece I voted remain because Richard Branson told me to My golly gosh, I do love the EU … Continue reading Exit Stage Left Or Brexit Stage Right: What Is The Correct Position?
I think we need to bring back Pink Panther… Continue reading Targeting The Pink Pound: Kinky Reboots
The farm I visited today had a couple of unhappy pigs, not because they were being intensively farmed, were living in bad conditions, being fed non-organic swill, and not because they were going to slaughter very soon. Their gripe was about something altogether different. They said that even though they would prefer not to have their backsides cured, turned to gammon and placed on a … Continue reading Gammon: Getting To The Bottom Of Things
The movie Terminator 2: Judgment Day was very prophetic; we now have drones in the sky gunning people down, robots are evolving on a daily basis, and with Google, Alexa, Siri and Cortana, we’re moving ever-closer to a Skynet-type artificial intelligence overthrowing the human race. So if James Cameron’s film accurately predicted our future demise, the question remains: who will usher in this imminent human … Continue reading Beware Of Dyson’s Creations: Predictions Of Our Future In Terminator 2
Do you know who I saw whilst I was visiting Hammersmith this week? None other than Thomas Hardy! He looked wonderful, some wrinkles but not many for his age. He wasn’t wearing his usual tailcoat, double-breasted vest and wing-tip collar… oh no, not a hat or a pair of gloves in sight. In fact he was in some modern Levis and T-shirt, what a transformation! … Continue reading Far From The Maddening Crowd: My Interview With Tom Hardy
Have you ever wondered how the wattage or “watt” rating for speakers is worked out?… Well wonder no more. Back in the 1970s when amplifiers and speakers were becoming louder and louder (a time when volume knobs could be turned all the way to 11) a professor of audiology named Sebastian Soundstein decided to rate audio equipment such as hi-fis and boom-boxes so that the … Continue reading Watts: What Are They? The History Of Speaker Wattage
I was so excited this week to meet someone called Kim Kardashian. She was surrounded by photographers and reporters but I managed to get an exclusive. I asked her, “Why are you so famous?”. I think she was taken aback as she didn’t reply. She was generally very quiet throughout the interview although I did hear her let out a few sighs, maybe she was … Continue reading Kim Kardashian: Behind The Fame
A popular proverb in today’s world is “there’s no smoke without fire”. People who agree with this adage and who readily use this phrase as justification for unfounded accusations, gathered recently. The group chanted this motto as they marched toward the property of a celebrity who was accused of sexual assault. As the group approached the gates of the property, the star emerged in his … Continue reading Phony Proverbs: There’s No Smoke Without Fire